ratinthesewer

Monday

2008-05-12T07:49:00.000-07:00

Woke up this morning and shouted : another day, just like the others!
Felt like I wouldn't be able to bear it.
But here I am, bearing it.
I wake up and my body is stiff and shaky, like someone with Parkinson's.
Change is coming, I can feel it. My discomfort is great.
The sewer is beginning to smell once more.

Blogs

2008-05-11T08:06:00.000-07:00

Began making comments on other people's blogs.
Don't know why I do it.
Don't even like people. I like their thoughts. But couldn't care less if I know them or not, their thoughts I mean.
Suspect I post comments just to spite Inner Judge.
Will see if it works...
yes, it does work, beautifully.

Wine & others

2008-05-11T07:40:00.000-07:00

Drank a little too much wine last night.
Surveyed the depths of my soul and its sadness.
Even listened to some music.
Felt very sorry for myself and it felt good.
After a while had to stop. Escaped out of fear of what might happen, what I might become.
A monster of sensitivity.
Had dinner with relatives and behaved badly.
My Inner Judge is revolted, by both my behaviors, the sensitive & the brutal.
What does it want from me?
Inner Judge is also revolted by the fact that I keep this journal.

Meat

2008-05-10T07:39:00.000-07:00

Last night ate meat. It wasn't good. Felt so guilty had to throw the rest of it away. Thought of the poor & hungry, didn't feel half as guilty as when eating. Inner Judge was revolted. Drank some wine but it didn't help. Took sleeping pills and went to bed early. Slept like a baby (a baby who has been drugged by parents).
This morning all traces of last night's guilt and angst were gone. Magic Pills.
Should I become a vegetarian? Inner Judge is one already.

Insomnia

2008-05-09T06:03:00.000-07:00

Last night was severely punished by inner judge, just as I expected.
In short, am a complete failure and have squandered my life & talents.
Suffered from insomnia until four in the morning as well. In revenge, used that time to read a psychoanalitical book about inner judges, thus paying homage as well as entertaining myself until four.
At dinner, did nothing to upset inner judge, except maybe being charming (read clownish) to everyone around me and everyone returned my charms with their love and approval (even my niece). It was o.k.
Not, apparently, for inner judge.

Family Dinner

2008-05-08T16:03:00.000-07:00

Will try to be nice, even if later punished by inner judge. Even if I were to behave badly and be rude would also be punished, harder, not in subtle way as when I'm nice to the enemy (my inner judge's enemy). Hard to explain. Even harder to put into practice. Cannot act spontaneously nor be myself (as if I knew what that would be like), will be punished one way or another.
The battle is lost before it has taken place.

Discovery

2008-05-08T08:57:00.000-07:00

It's so much nicer to be nice.
Tell that to inner judge.
Won't get it.
Why bring it up anyways?

Je m'en fous

2008-05-07T15:56:00.000-07:00

Sat through French class. Hated everyone and myself.
My inner judge refuses to get better.
Proudly sick and annoying only me.
Can drive me crazy. Is crazy.
What to do?
It won't shut up.
Makes me sick, all red and nervous.
How not to pay attention to it?
It swallows me up.
I'm gone. Effaced. At awe.
I wish I couldn't care less.
But I do.
My life is at stake.

I don't get it

2008-05-07T12:00:00.000-07:00

For change to take place, discomfort must also have its place.
I have felt uncomfortable my whole life.
I don't get it.

White Chair

2008-05-07T10:58:00.000-07:00

I have a white chair before me.
The neighbors are making noises.
The cats are asleep.
I am smoking a cigarette.
The cleaning lady should be here soon.
I don't feel a thing.
There's a white chair before me.

For the first time in my life I truly believe change is imminent.